Guilt
by Hezwel01
Summary: Tag to EOS. Scott can't help but feel guilty about his brothers predicament. (Not beta'd so might be some mistakes :S )
1. Chapter 1

**A Very belated Tag to EOS. I don't own the boys - just like to read (and try to write) stories about them!  
All the property of Gerry Anderson!**

"Just hold on, John!"

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt useless. I moved to reach out and touch the image that was in front of me, remembering too late that John wouldn't be able to feel my reassuring touch. Even through the holographic image, Johns pale cheeks looked flushed and I could see his blonde hair on his forehead held in place by a sheen of sweat.

The gasps from the rest of my family bought me back to earth. It reminded me that they looked to me for direction and the constant reminder that I was the rock of the family put its weight on me. If I was confident, they all would be too.

"Alan will be there shortly", I said it aloud, although the words were spoken to convince myself more than anyone else. Virgil nodded his head in my direction, a tight smile on his face - but i could tell he didn't believe me. I turned my attention back to Johns image and watched as his eyes closed fully, "He'll be fine! We'll get to him. Alan will get to him."

The silence was deafening. The lack of response from John was severely discomfiting and I hated to see John like this. As much as my family looked to me to keep us together, it was John that was the true rock of the family. The listener, the soother... the one who kept vigil over us all constantly. He was the voice of International Rescue... hell, he was the voice of this family. I couldn't stop my mind thinking about what we would do without him. Although I tried to shake the feeling, I couldn't be positive about the situation. How can you be when space is so far away?

But then, space is just where John wanted to be. The thing with immediate younger brother is that he was always better off on his own. He didn't speak much about himself, or how he was feeling, and space was his best company. But that never made him silent; he always had something to say about the events that happened around him.  
Ever since our father disappeared, he'd insisted on staying up on Thunderbird 5 in the search for him. I'd know that it wasn't healthy, but nothing could change his mind. He felt guilty that he'd lost track of our fathers aircraft. He felt guilt that he couldn't return our father to the island. He felt guilt because he thought it was his fault.

Guilt - too easy an emotion to consume.

And now one of the emotions I was overcome with was that of guilt.  
When I spoke to my brother earlier, how did I not recognise that it was an impostor? I should have known that was not John - but I didn't. I couldn't tell. Had all our time apart really made my brother unrecognisable to me? I suddenly yearned to be in contact with him. To hold him as I did when I was younger and reassure him that everything was going to be OK.

My eyes glanced up to the hologram again. John's eyes where still closed. _"Just hold on, John!"._  
I looked over to Gordon wanting to give him a reassuring smile. Instead, my eyes fell on his hands that had curled into fists at his sides. I could feel the anger rolling off him in waves. Grandma looked as though she was being held in place by Virgil's strong hands, and Brains; well he had gone silent not taking his eyes from the prone figure.

I dropped my eyes to the floor and bought my hand up to my mouth. It was an action that had been associated with me when my worry was beyond control - and boy, it was well out of control now.

A loud intake of breath bought me back to the control room and the sound of John's voice was music to my ears. "Thanks Alan, I was really sweating towards the end there."

"I noticed". I heard my little brother say, relief apparent in his voice.  
This only extended my guilt further - I shouldn't have let my youngest brother go up to face this alone. What if... I dropped my hand from my mouth and sighed in relief. Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself before squaring my shoulders and grounding myself for my family again.

John was fine. As if to reassure me further his holographic image - the real John's image - appeared in front of me.

"I knew you guys would work it out. Let me bring you up to speed!"

At that point I had no time to stop and think. I had to tell him about the unanswered calls, and leave him and Alan to try to resolve the situation. "John, you know what has to be done if you can't isolate this."  
Saying that out loud to my brother only reminded me that he was still in real danger - he'd be putting his life on the line again and he was too far away from me to lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder, instead I had to prompt his response. "John?"

"FAB."

The channel closed quickly and I dropped my head again. My mind was in turmoil.

I know that I had to focus on the unanswered rescue calls before considering helping my brother; where was the logic in that?

Ordering Virgil and Gordon to Thunderbird Two was easy; I was always prepared to do that. Hearing Alan question what would have to happen to Thunderbird Five I was unprepared for. I had to push right to the back of my mind that if... _if..._ John failed I wouldn't get that chance I longed for to see my brother, have a beer with him; let him know that although it has been a long time since I saw him in person, that I love him and miss him every day.

The images of John and Alan disappeared. I didn't envy my immediate younger brother telling our youngest exactly what was happening, and what might have to happen... with him on boar Thunderbird Five.  
I shook the thought of John failing from my mind and moved on with my job.

TBTBTBTBTBTBTBTB

My mid was reeling. What the hell was my brother doing putting his life in the hands of... that machine? The silence over the radio was too much to bear, but I didn't dare be the one to break it. I knew that all my brothers were listening intently and waiting to see what happened.

There I was again. Waiting... not able to get up there and directly help my brother. In a slight burst of anger I told myself if John got through this I would kill him myself for being such an idiot. And then almost immediately the guilt was back. Why had I insisted on staying on earth and sending Alan up there. I should have gone myself. At least then I could be in Johns position. I could protect my little brother, make sure he had the chance to be on earth again with his family.

I bought my hand to my mouth again, but this time it was to stifle a sob going out over the radio. The last thing I needed was to break down in front of my brothers.

"I'm relinquishing control back to you." the words of the AI were music to my ears and I felt the edges of a smile on my face.

"I don't want control EOS. I want a friend." My brother when he spoke conveyed such raw emotion. Not something that we got to see all the time. His words were said with such, that I couldn't stop the afore mentioned guilt from seeping back into my bones.

Sighing internally knowing that John would be fine I concentrated on getting my 'bird back to Tracy Island. I wanted nothing more than to speak with my brother again. Not work related, not about the events of today - other than to make sure the lack of air and gravity hadn't done any real damage - but as a brother; as a reminder that I am and always will be his friend no matter how far away his is.

I know that Johns a big boy, and I know that he can cope up there without me. But today, I realised I couldn't stand to be without him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Take two - the first time I posted this the formatting was all off, and its literally taken me days to try to fix. Hopefully its all better now. Although I was thinking about a 2nd chapter, I caved as soon as I had a lovely request from Eraman to write a second part; I couldn't resist as I really enjoyed writing the first. Thanks to Teobi for encouragement as well. Its not long and not much happens, just a bit of brotherly smut! Although from Scotts POV, Italics outside of speech marks indicates internal thinking, which kind of works with this story I think - it felt right to add it, but I can remove if makes it difficult to read. Still don't own them :(**

"Just hold on, John!"

My shout seemed more panicked this time; I was all out of ideas and it wasn't helping any of my brothers.

"Scott? Scott what do I do? I cant get him to breathe. I've given him more oxygen, I've been going for CPR for 10 minutes, but nothings working."

 _No, John. Just breathe. Don't do this..._

"Scott? HELP ME! What do I?" Alans voice pierced me through to the core; there was nothing he could do. Nothing I could do. I was on earth, helpless. _The uncaring big brother who sent his youngest the rescue the one I've left in space to face his death._

"SCOTT? ARE YOU THERE?"

 _Stop it, stop it. Man up. Answer him! Help him!  
_ Instead a loud banging distracted me. I bolted up in bed, hearing another bang and Virgil's voice through the door on the door. "SCOTT?"

I was panting heavily trying to catch my breath. _It was just a dream._ I glanced around my darkened room just to remind myself where I was. _Nightmare more like._

"SCOTT, BRO. Come on, let me in." My hands clenched into fists, why wouldn't he just back off and let me wake up? "Virge, just give me a minute will you?" My reply held more venom than I had intended; he didn't know I'd had a nightmare. Or did he? Is that why he was there?

The banging on the door stopped and I heard a shuffle of feet accompanied by an inaudible mutter under my brothers breath. And there was that feeling again; guilt. More guilt at putting another of my bothers in an awkward position. This feeling was getting all too familiar now.

I'd apologise to Virgil later. He'd understand, he always does. He knew that I was just tired after the days events and that I'd make it up to him. Although my heart caught in my chest at that thought... I didn't want to assume I'd always have the chance to make things up to my brothers - not after today.

What if...

I shook my head to clear that thought and I ran my hand through my hair, a motion that had become all too familiar over the last 24 hours. I needed to get out of this room. I needed room to breath, and think. The overwhelming urge to apologise to Virgil, was overtaken by the need to contact John to make sure he was OK.

I passed my middle brothers room on the off chance his door was open planning on popping my head in to offer a short apology. No such luck, so I decided to carry on towards the balcony; via the kitchen of course to grab a coffee. I glanced at the clock on the wall - 3:30am. That's no good. And why is Virgil up at this time? _He must have heard me having a nightmare; just what I needed when trying to keep a brave face._

Settled with my coffee, I grabbed a comm device off the table in the command room and made my way to the balcony to call John. It'd be hit or miss if I caught him. His sleeping pattern didn't always match ours on the island, despite his best efforts. It just sometimes fell out of sync, especially after a tough rescue. Except he's the one who had to be rescued. Part of me wanted to stop - let him rest. I'd only feel guilty if I woke him up; hell, what else would I feel? Guilt seems to be my best companion today.

I decided to call him anyway to settle the nagging urge to hear his voice.

I was greeted almost immediately with a lopsided smile from my brother, "Scott, I'm fine. Honestly. If the first three phones calls didn't convey that message, I really don't know what to do to convince you otherwise."

His comment earned a small chuckle from me, and it felt genuinely good to laugh. "I know bro, I'm sorry. I'm just..."

I didn't finish my sentence; I couldn't. I'm just what? Scared? Out of control? Loosing it mentally? So damn scared that I wouldn't see my brother again?

But I didn't need to finish, as John spared me from whatever admission I was about to make. "I know, me too." There was a comfortable silence between us before he spoke again.

"Its OK to be scared Scott." Even through the hologram I could see his emerald eyes deep with sympathy. "Hell, half the time I'm up here, I'm scared. Scared for you all, wondering, waiting..." _What an insight to my brothers mind._ "But then when I sit back and think about it, it reminds me that I am only human and its natural. Despite all this technology at our finger tips, despite what we can do... we cant control everything. And we have to learn to live with that."

I dropped my head as John spoke. Why was my younger brother comforting me, "I know, but..."

"Scott," It was a stern interruption, " 'buts' will always be there and we can't avoid that. My philosophy? Lets worry about the what is, rather than the what if's?"

I looked up at the image again, and for some reason I felt anger. "OK John. You're right. Lets talk about what i _ **s**_."  
I couldn't stop my outburst, "Currently my younger brother **_IS_** refusing to comeback home to his family and _**he is**_ worrying, wrongly I'll add, that the loss of our father _**is his**_ fault. Said brother **_IS NOT_** thinking about the rest of the family needing him here. Instead _**he is**_ cooped up on a tin can without human contact feeling, what? Sorry for yourself?"

"Scott..."

My voice continued to rise in anger, "No, John. I'm done with you avoiding contact, and avoiding us. You do not get to avoid this family over something that I ** _S NOT_** your fault. I should have said this sooner, but damn it John I love you and I miss you. I need you here. I can't look after you up there - I CAN'T PROTECT YOU ALL WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!" My voice broke and I felt a tear slip down my face. My final admission made me realise that my family was everything. My head dropped, and so did my voice. "I don't know what I would do without any of you John. And it tore me up inside today that I couldn't protect you, that I couldn't save you. Usually, if Virgil or Gordon are in trouble I'm closer to extend a helping hand. Far closer than I was to you today. John, we need you. I need you. That's what _**IS**_ , OK?"

Keeping my head down I bought my spare hand to my face to dry some tears before my brother realised I was on the edge of a full blown emotional outburst.

"Scott, look at me." I knew it wouldn't be that easy to hide.

Slowly lifting my head I looked at my brother's hologram, and was surprised to see tears in his eyes as well. Well, the guilt was back, "Oh John... I'm so sorry. I was just... so... scared. And the worst thing about it? It has never crossed my mind that I need to be scared for you up there."

"Oh, yeah.. boring old John safely tucked away in space". There was a hint of humour in my brother voice, but I chose to ignore it.

"No, not boring John. Brave John. You keep yourself up there to keep an eye on all of us, and I think..."I paused to gather my thoughts. "I think that because you are always there for us, its never occurred to me that I could lose that. You're so far away from all the danger on earth that, I took your presence for granted. Yes, I'm mad that you decided to stay up there, but I think in some selfish way that I was glad. It'd at least keep you safe... or so I thought."

"Scott. I'm always here, I'm not going anywhere. And if you really want, I will come down more often." he paused and my mouth opened agape, "Maybe... _maybe_... I can consider sharing my shifts with Alan? He's getting really competent up here now."

A smile slipped onto my face. The first genuine smile in 24 hours. "I'd like that John. We all would."

The easy silence fell again. My brother didn't challenge or pull me up on my words earlier, despite the anger they held. He knew it was rare that I shared such emotion and that it wasn't aimed at him. My ever knowing brother also knew it was just what I needed.  
I could at least let him know I understood him and extend the same reassurance. "I'm always here for you John, near or far. You know that, no matter what weight you are carrying?"

He nodded at me, smiling lightly, "I know Scott." He sighed, and his image wavered slightly, but he continued before I could ask any questions. "It would do you good to remember the same. Not just from me, but all your brothers. Don't let anger hide inside you! You'll only lash out and hurt someone unintentionally. Don't carry unnecessary weight."

"I know. I do." I smiled widely. "I really do. Actually, I have already snapped at Virgil this morning, I owe him an apology". I pulled a face as I made the last confession.

John nodded, and another smile slipped across his face. "Good Luck!" He looked away from the screen for a moment then returned his eyes to me. I heard a noise in the background that I could only assume was EOS, "Look, go and fix that now. I'm going to take myself off to bed. I still feel a bit dizzy from the gravity fluctuations earlier."

I opened my mouth to respond but John held up a hand to stop me. "Stop it mother hen, I'm fine. Nothing some sleep won't cure. OK?" EOS made another noise, as though she was competing for Johns attention and he looked away again, "I love you, bro. Go to bed. I've got to go - night!" He signed off with a quick wave and a smile before I had the chance to protest about his feeling poorly.

I realised my smile remained as I looked out at the open ocean that now filled my vision. And for the first time in 24 hours I felt... relief! My outburst, although harsh was needed. I decided that I would apologise to Virgil, and maybe even share some of these pent up feelings with him. I knew my brothers needed me and I had to start needing them too.


End file.
